A couple of weeks ago, I went to the 10th annual
SIREN MUSIC FESTIVAL, which takes place at the rickety heart of NY: Coney Island.
As I entered what looked like hipster heaven, I didnt expect to get much from the day; maybe ringing ears, an awkward sunburn, or a stack of CD's that I didnt need, but hastily bought..
but at the end of the night, I realized that I had gotten so much more: knowledge.
Here's what I learned, broken down into 10 (plus 1) easy steps:
1) Dont wear sunglasses in the mosh pit.
You will lose them. I don't want to talk about it.
2) Your next best friend may be just around the corner!Summer concerts are a hotbed for obnoxiously chummy behavior.
These kind of events always end up LOADED with approval-seeking types desperate to make friends. You'll see high fives, hugs, and often unnecessary sharing.
Here's an example of dialog that might spontaneously take place:
"Hey bro!"
"Whats up dude! Nice t-shirt!"
"Thanks mayn! Want me to lift you up so you can crowd surf??"
Keep a look out! You never know which one of these saps will be willing to express this new-found friendship in the form of cold, hard cash. Or at least buy you a sandwich.
3) If you've got long hair, put that jawn in a ponytail!
NO ONE wants to choke on that mess! I can't tell you how many times I've gotten my fingers snagged in a thicket of someone's hot, sweaty, matted hair or pulled out long strands of hair from my throat. So Gross. And unnecessary.
4) Crowd surfing is a good way to get violated. That "random" hand slip and sudden palm grip were nooo coincidence!
For some, besides an occasional goodnight kiss from mom, "helping" people crowd surf is the only physical contact they will have.. and they'll take all they can get their sweaty little hands on!
5) Crowds are a hot, sweaty mess.
Some other words that describe crowd atmosphere are moist, clammy, drippy, slippery, salty and... pruney.
As in: Is that your sweat or my sweat? Either way, don't lick your lips.. ick
6) If you have a fairly decent camera and a dark pair of shades, you can get people to do just about anything! Looking official is the key in this farse! If you tell people they could get on the internet for doing something you want, they'll do anything!
EVERYONE wants to photographed and everyone wants be famous.
Even if people act shy, everyone is secretly a whore for the camera (coming from the biggest of them all)-- . Take advantage of this.
7) People in tight, rowdy, crowds get hot, dehydrated, and desperate FAST! Take advantage of this!
I traded a guy a half empty bottle of warm water for his advanced place in the crowd! It went something like:
Dude:
Hey!! Does anyone have anything to drink!?? Water? Anything! Please!
(sounding desperate)
Me:
I have water.
Dude:
Can I have it??
Me:
Sure!
I pull the water out of my backpack and show it to him. As he reaches for it, I snatch it back!
Can me and my friends get in front of you in the crowd?
Dude:
Yes! Sure, Whatever! (Ever so thankful) Thank you!
Me:
No, my friend. Thank you.
--And thats a little lesson on Real Estate--
8) Fake singing guarantees good time.
You probably only came for one or two of the bands; the rest most likely suck, but quietly nodding your head and tapping your toes is boring.
I like to pretend like I know
all the songs. I just erratically scream out unheard of noises in random notes that surprise even me! I don't care about the side eyes I get from people standing in ear shot, I'm just trying to have a good time!
9) Do everything you can do to avoid the porter potties
...unless you're
trying to contract 21 types of herpes. Why would you want to be locked in a hot, musty chamber full of other people's poop in the first place? Keep it classy: bring a pee-jug.
10) Put on deoderant. and pack extra.
Self Explanatory. Ya nasty.
I smelled the kind of B.O. that causes nose bleeds while at Siren Fest. You're not in 7th grade. Don't get all funky and rub your pits all over everyone. I don't care if you have a sweating problem! Contain that.
11) Only the strong and aggressive make it to the front of the crowd.
If you really want the ability to say that you tasted the sweat of the lead singer, got your ear drums blasted out by the speakers, or were the crazy kid that got restrained/tazed by stage security, you're gonna have to work for it!
It's a dog eat dog, world in the front, and you're gonna have to throw some elbows and knock some little kids to the ground in order to get where you want.
You ever palm a kid in the face? I have. And I also held hands with Matt AND Kim from Matt and Kim that same day.
--And thats all I can tell you, jabronies. Take what you will. Comment if you can think of anything better. Though I doubt it.--
